Here I am again trying to heal,
From another friendship gone downhill,
Actually it is two dear ones I love,
But what happened makes me scream "enough!"
"I don't want to get close to anyone!"
"No more loving people, I am done!"
But this time it's different; for I love them so,
No words could ever tell how they are loved so,
It was my fault and I take the blame without cause,
For I would take any pain, shame, blame, and chain for them,
All without cause,
That is how I love them,
I do not know how to fix this,
I probably can't fix it this time,
But I pray God will fix this,
That is my reason for writing this rhyme,
Also so I can show that this wound in my heart,
Is the same as those who've pained me in the past,
But is different, for those of my past I did not love with all my heart,
And because of love will this wound heal quick and fast?
I do not know the answer to that,
But even if it doesn't and they never again talk to me,
I will always continue to love them; as it should be,
But what does this mean?
Do I keep those walls that were demolished by these dear ones down; or raise them up again?
So what does this now mean?
Monday, August 30, 2010
Book of Sorrows: poem nine
A Longing for True Comfort:
She sits with friends who are closer then her blood family,
Yet she still feels alone,
They wish to comfort her,
But why then is her heart still sore?
They want to help, but she still has no comfort in her soul,
Why does she still feels alone?
The arms you offer I take,
But they give no comfort for my sake,
But I still want them around, yet I still have pain when they're gone,
Why do I feel so alone when love is in your grasp?
Will this hurt I feel be left in the arms of anyone?
Why is comfort so far out of anybody's grasp?
She pretends all is well because she wishes not to cry,
She knows their arms just won't comfort her,
With their arms full of love they comfort; for her there is none,
So she comforts them and gives them rest,
But no, she doesn't let them see her pain,
Because when they come to love the pain is never gone,
The arms you offer I take,
But they give no comfort for my sake,
But I still want them around me, yet I still have pain when they're gone,
It comes back constantly to my heart,
Because in your loving arms it really never did depart,
Why do I still feel alone when there is love in your grasp?
Will this pain inside ever be taken away in the arms of anyone?
Why does it seem that all comfort for me is out of everyone's grasp?
So out of everyone's reach,
So out of anyone's and everyone's touch.
She sits with friends who are closer then her blood family,
Yet she still feels alone,
They wish to comfort her,
But why then is her heart still sore?
They want to help, but she still has no comfort in her soul,
Why does she still feels alone?
The arms you offer I take,
But they give no comfort for my sake,
But I still want them around, yet I still have pain when they're gone,
Why do I feel so alone when love is in your grasp?
Will this hurt I feel be left in the arms of anyone?
Why is comfort so far out of anybody's grasp?
She pretends all is well because she wishes not to cry,
She knows their arms just won't comfort her,
With their arms full of love they comfort; for her there is none,
So she comforts them and gives them rest,
But no, she doesn't let them see her pain,
Because when they come to love the pain is never gone,
The arms you offer I take,
But they give no comfort for my sake,
But I still want them around me, yet I still have pain when they're gone,
It comes back constantly to my heart,
Because in your loving arms it really never did depart,
Why do I still feel alone when there is love in your grasp?
Will this pain inside ever be taken away in the arms of anyone?
Why does it seem that all comfort for me is out of everyone's grasp?
So out of everyone's reach,
So out of anyone's and everyone's touch.
Book of Sorrows: poem eight
Without me:
How would the world be,
Without me?
The pain in my eyes never to see,
This crooked smile never placed on me,
This lock on my heart never to be,
Would this broken heart of mine then be free?
How would the world see,
Without me?
Would life be more simple?
Would pain never dwell in a heart?
Would those I know be less crippled,
Without the sadness I bring from the start?
No more tears of pain i would bring,
Would the world then sing?
How would it be,
Without me?
I cry and cry with every new strife,
But is not strife a part of this life?
So even without me,
Pain and sadness the world would still see.
How would the world be,
Without me?
The pain in my eyes never to see,
This crooked smile never placed on me,
This lock on my heart never to be,
Would this broken heart of mine then be free?
How would the world see,
Without me?
Would life be more simple?
Would pain never dwell in a heart?
Would those I know be less crippled,
Without the sadness I bring from the start?
No more tears of pain i would bring,
Would the world then sing?
How would it be,
Without me?
I cry and cry with every new strife,
But is not strife a part of this life?
So even without me,
Pain and sadness the world would still see.
Book of Sorrows: poem seven
Will they ever except me?
Why do they hate me so?
Is this the way it's always meant to be?
Why don't the except me, I want to know!
I've gone with their crowd many times before,
I sat and I laughed with them,
But now I am so sore,
Tired and sore of being in this crowd with them,
My heart can't take the pain,
My tears have fallen so many times,
Over their blank thoughts and empty rhymes,
Being with them at this time makes me insane,
Every group that I meet newly,
I think at first their so sweet,
But then at times like these I become fooly,
And the tears I cry make my eyes beat,
This is the time when they flee me,
They turn their backs and leave,
Yet they still stay around me; can you believe!
They keep me in their group until I get up and flee,
While being right beside me they tare me apart,
While smiling at me they only break my heart,
Will they ever except me?
Will I ever be free?
Why do they hate me so?
Is this the way it's always meant to be?
Why don't the except me, I want to know!
I've gone with their crowd many times before,
I sat and I laughed with them,
But now I am so sore,
Tired and sore of being in this crowd with them,
My heart can't take the pain,
My tears have fallen so many times,
Over their blank thoughts and empty rhymes,
Being with them at this time makes me insane,
Every group that I meet newly,
I think at first their so sweet,
But then at times like these I become fooly,
And the tears I cry make my eyes beat,
This is the time when they flee me,
They turn their backs and leave,
Yet they still stay around me; can you believe!
They keep me in their group until I get up and flee,
While being right beside me they tare me apart,
While smiling at me they only break my heart,
Will they ever except me?
Will I ever be free?
Book of Sorrows: poem six
Here again I stand!
My life full of friends, fun, and greatness,
Although as soon as I get closer to it,
That life now becomes my weakness,
A life once great now becomes a pit,
Where everything is so unclear; will I ever understand?
Why am I so different?
Everyone else doesn't feel alone like me?
Everyone has a life that doesn't seem so far,
Far from the truth of who they are,
Why is it at times like these I never see,
Never see what it is that makes me so different?
Not only in this place did this happen,
But also with the family of my heart,
Is that where this feeling made it's start?
Why do I feel everywhere I go,
Like that of an outcast so?
Why am I so different; what change needs to happen?
Is there a cure for the way I feel?
Is there a way to be happy forever?
Will I feel, or be, normal ever?
Is the thing that makes me different forever locked away?
Is it hidden never to se this world with a seal; or is there a way?
My life full of friends, fun, and greatness,
Although as soon as I get closer to it,
That life now becomes my weakness,
A life once great now becomes a pit,
Where everything is so unclear; will I ever understand?
Why am I so different?
Everyone else doesn't feel alone like me?
Everyone has a life that doesn't seem so far,
Far from the truth of who they are,
Why is it at times like these I never see,
Never see what it is that makes me so different?
Not only in this place did this happen,
But also with the family of my heart,
Is that where this feeling made it's start?
Why do I feel everywhere I go,
Like that of an outcast so?
Why am I so different; what change needs to happen?
Is there a cure for the way I feel?
Is there a way to be happy forever?
Will I feel, or be, normal ever?
Is the thing that makes me different forever locked away?
Is it hidden never to se this world with a seal; or is there a way?
Book of Sorrows: poem five
Once hoped happiness:
When my life is close to the pearls of happiness,
My hand a width away from touching them,
But they always seem to break as soon as I lay,
A finger upon them,
Not a word said about them anymore and not a word left again to say,
Why not just throw away this once hoped happiness?
New friends I make and new relationships come my way,
My heart is filled with the joy of happiness,
The joy I feel at first may be small,
But then it grows stronger and I think it will not sway,
When It comes to the point where I think I can now fly,
Some dreadful thing comes back to my heart so sly,
That once lasting joy just seems to drop and fall,
Why not throw away this once hoped happiness?
I feel like I belong in this place,
And think there is no other place safer,
But I am blinded in this place and cannot see,
Even though I may belong in their group; it is not in full,
And the feeling of belonging turns around and says later,
Then the tears in my heart start briming; and become an overflow,
Why, and how, could this ever be?
I thought I had belonged, but now I had this face,
Why not just throw away that once hope of happiness,
Did I ever even have it?
Or has it only been sought for?
When my life is close to the pearls of happiness,
My hand a width away from touching them,
But they always seem to break as soon as I lay,
A finger upon them,
Not a word said about them anymore and not a word left again to say,
Why not just throw away this once hoped happiness?
New friends I make and new relationships come my way,
My heart is filled with the joy of happiness,
The joy I feel at first may be small,
But then it grows stronger and I think it will not sway,
When It comes to the point where I think I can now fly,
Some dreadful thing comes back to my heart so sly,
That once lasting joy just seems to drop and fall,
Why not throw away this once hoped happiness?
I feel like I belong in this place,
And think there is no other place safer,
But I am blinded in this place and cannot see,
Even though I may belong in their group; it is not in full,
And the feeling of belonging turns around and says later,
Then the tears in my heart start briming; and become an overflow,
Why, and how, could this ever be?
I thought I had belonged, but now I had this face,
Why not just throw away that once hope of happiness,
Did I ever even have it?
Or has it only been sought for?
Book of Sorrows: poem four
Not this time did I take on your pace,
It worked for a little while,
Only whenever I sought for your face,
But now I am lost again,
Will I in this life ever win?
Why do I take path with the vile?
Why is it hard for me to live in your ways?
I feel now in one big maze,
I keep now on this path which always sways,
And I carry on in this way; with this pace,
Will you give me over to your mace?
Will I never be amazed,
With your unspoken grace?
It worked for a little while,
Only whenever I sought for your face,
But now I am lost again,
Will I in this life ever win?
Why do I take path with the vile?
Why is it hard for me to live in your ways?
I feel now in one big maze,
I keep now on this path which always sways,
And I carry on in this way; with this pace,
Will you give me over to your mace?
Will I never be amazed,
With your unspoken grace?
Book of Sorrows: poem three
I ran and tried the darkness once more,
You were beside me but I wished not to look,
I played the game that I was ever happy,
Yet on the inside my soul was ever turning,
With writhe and evil for I was not at all happy,
But this evilness, this hidden shame, I gladly took,
For it is so hard after a long time of turning,
From your perfect love,
That when something bad happens I want to run again,
I push and I curse all the while I run and I shove,
But yet when I fall flat on my face,
You help me up and I try once more your pace.
You were beside me but I wished not to look,
I played the game that I was ever happy,
Yet on the inside my soul was ever turning,
With writhe and evil for I was not at all happy,
But this evilness, this hidden shame, I gladly took,
For it is so hard after a long time of turning,
From your perfect love,
That when something bad happens I want to run again,
I push and I curse all the while I run and I shove,
But yet when I fall flat on my face,
You help me up and I try once more your pace.
Book of Sorrows: poem two
Where can I go and be,
Without you able to see,
Is there a thing I can do,
That is not filled with you,
My heart aches to know you more,
My life wants to be full of you,
Even when I can't see you; you see all I do,
No matter how hard I try,
You will always be by my side,
You are a help to my strength so I don't have to be shy,
My life is now based on your everlasting grace,
And I will always seek your face,
Within your love I will always abide,
And live with you forevermore.
Without you able to see,
Is there a thing I can do,
That is not filled with you,
My heart aches to know you more,
My life wants to be full of you,
Even when I can't see you; you see all I do,
No matter how hard I try,
You will always be by my side,
You are a help to my strength so I don't have to be shy,
My life is now based on your everlasting grace,
And I will always seek your face,
Within your love I will always abide,
And live with you forevermore.
Book of Sorrows: poem one
I found one of my old poetry books finally!! Although most of the poems I wrote in this book I wrote when going through a very difficult time in my life. So that's why this journal was named the Book of Sorrows. So some of the new poems on my blog will be kind of depressing; not all are though. Even though I go through many struggles in my life still, God has been amazing in my life and has brought me so far from who I used to be. I am not the same person I used to be. Be aware that this was when I first started writing poetry and back then it was hard to rhyme.
Poem one:
To wake in the morning and realize your grace,
I long to see you move in this place,
Your hands as they move through me,
Are unclear to me,
Until you open my eyes so I can see,
My failures of the past and dreams of the future,
Come together in the present to help me mature,
But on this day I'll think on neither,
Because what matters is this day,
So hold me in your hands and have your way,
For you know best because you are my Father.
Poem one:
To wake in the morning and realize your grace,
I long to see you move in this place,
Your hands as they move through me,
Are unclear to me,
Until you open my eyes so I can see,
My failures of the past and dreams of the future,
Come together in the present to help me mature,
But on this day I'll think on neither,
Because what matters is this day,
So hold me in your hands and have your way,
For you know best because you are my Father.
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